The following is a guest post from momAgendaCOMM blogger Kris Cain.
Asking the question of ‘how motherhood has changed me’ is guaranteed to open a can of worms. And, I’m guaranteed to get emotional.
You see, I am not your typical mother. I have not one, but two (yes, two) sets of twins.
Go ahead and say “What?!?!” or “Wow!” That is the usual reaction I receive followed by either “Oh wow, I am glad I am not in your shoes” or “Oh wow, you are so blessed!” Yes, I am blessed. I am very, very blessed.
There was a time not all that long ago when I did not think that I would be a mother at all. Before I had my girls in 2003, I lost 3 babies to early miscarriages over 3 years. It was very hard. It was the hardest thing that I have ever gone through in my life. Sitting by and thinking that I would never have what seemed to come so easily to others made me think very differently about life. I mean… there are babies all over the place. Some people have a few. Some have them when they don’t mean to and some have them and give them up.
So, why was it so hard for me?
Now that I am a very happy, very proud mother, when I think about what motherhood means to me, I think about appreciation. I appreciate my babies SO much. It was hard. Of course it was extremely hard in the beginning but they are older now. My girls are 8 and my boys are 5. But there was a time when I was the mother of 2 newborns when I did not think that I would ever sleep again.
I was exhausted and disoriented.
I was thin as a rail, and not very healthy.
But, it got much better – and as time went on it got much, much better. I did not suffer from depression but the exhaustion was well… exhausting! I don’t think I expected to be that tired.
But it was worth it.
And then… totally by accident, I did it all over again! I say that God has a wild sense of humor.
I think it was a test. We always hear that we are not given more than we can handle right? Well…I guess I passed. Getting pregnant was hard. Staying pregnant was hard. And the pregnancy itself was hard. I was on bed rest for 9 weeks with my girls after a 5 day stay in the hospital for preterm labor. But, they were happy, healthy, and tiny at just over 35 weeks. I thought my pregnancy with my boys was going to be much better. But, not wanting to be outdone by their sisters, they arrived at only 33.5 weeks and they were stubborn little things. One of them had to stay in the NICU for 12 days. But looking at him now, you would never know it. He has always been the bigger of the 2 and I can tell already that is going to be very tall.
As I look at my children now, and listen to them, I realize that I never knew that I could love so many little people at once. I have 4 little ones that look up to me.
And they love me no matter what. They love my goofy singing. They love watching me dance. They depend on me. And I depend on them. I depend on them to smile at me each day and remind me why I went through all of the pain and heartache that brought me to this point.
The biggest thing that I did not expect from motherhood was that it would make me so dang happy.